Eli Burnstein

Writing

The New Yorker

So You Want to Use My Printer?

I Am a Man, and I Run Hot

Text Messages from My Mother After I Publish a Single Article Online

I Cannot Begin To Tell You How Proficient I Am in Microsoft Word

XII Reasons Roman Numerals Are Better Than Arabic Numerals

Isn’t it Byronic? (Performed by Marc Philippe Eskenazi)

Phishing Scammer or One of Your Parents?

Fitness Terms (And What I Assume They Mean)

I Have Been Watching This Man’s Laptop for Thirty Years

I’m Not From the Past—I Sweareth!

I'm a Nineteenth-Century Novel, and I Have a Lot to Say About These Drapes

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

A Letter? How Grand!

75 Things You Didn’t Know You Could Do With Peanut Butter

Sitters Anonymous

5 Reasons Treadmill Desks Are the next Big Thing

Points In Case

Victorian-Era Erotica

A Customer Service Representative Goes on a Date

I Really Shouldn't Have Worn a Suit on This Camping Trip

We Wrote This Together! (With Nikki Palumbo)

I'm a Hypnotist Comedian, and You're Finding This Hilarious

Boarding Announcements for the Class Conscious

Baby Name, or Warby Parker Glasses?

Slackjaw

13 Degrees More Advanced than a Ph.D.

Welcome to Hollywood! (with Lillie E. Franks)

I’m a Few Hours Ahead of You

Why Didn’t You Wear Tortoiseshell Glasses To My Tortoiseshell-Glasses-Only Party?

It’s Not (Not) Opposite Day

Committee Meeting of the Oxford English Dictionary

It’s a Flat White, You Moron

Your Boyfriend’s Parents’ Bathroom: A Step-by-Step Guide

A Complete List of Every University in London

Have You Eaten With Us Before?

COVID-19 Self-Test Instructions, In Verse

I Keep Losing Freelance Copywriting Gigs To Joyce Carol Oates

The Queen’s Gambit: Checkers Edition

Our Automated Phone Menu Options Have Changed For The Worse So Please Listen Carefully

Weekly Humorist

How to Write Brfly

The Many Nicknames of William Shakespeare (With Alex Baia)

The Offing

Blank and Blankability

Oozeletter (My Newsletter)

The Boys Are Back in Town, the Boys Were Back in Town, the Boys Will Be Back in Town, and Other Boys-in-Town-Based Grammar Lessons

Flattering Terms for Bald Men

Classic Smoking Scenes from Movies, Reimagined with Vapes

Shortlist of New Names for Canada When It Becomes the 51st State

Part 2: Shortlist of New Names for American States when they Secede and Join Canada

So You Want to Buy a Projector

Luther’s 95 Theses, Ranked

Medieval Jerry

We Both Know This Coffee Shop Has a Bathroom

Fashion Tips From My Parents

Attempts to Fit My Word-of-the-Day Word Into Everyday Conversation

The Alpine Review

Past Perfect

Brand portfolio here.